Dear Dr. Warren,

I am wanting you are able to help me to. I have never really had problems meeting females and fun on dates, but after about per month or two, I’ve found myself getting jealous of some other men, and it also merely gets far worse after that. At first she’s going to believe its type of sweet, but it becomes a proper problem. A lady I really appreciated recently left me personally on it, therefore threw me because I was thinking we’d a good thing heading. In your experience, is jealousy something can go out over the years using the right person, or is it just my personal character getting similar to this?
John in Tewksbury, MA


Dear John,

Thank you so much for the exceptional question. To begin with, i wish to commend you for knowing a behavior in yourself that you have seen has effects on your connections adversely. Second, In addition wanna guarantee you that envy is a thing you’ll work on so that it doesn’t have to come between both you and some body you really have powerful feelings for.

In other words, jealousy is a harmful emotion that developed in a variety of kinds of situations. If it takes place in romantic interactions and it is directed toward other people who connect with your lover, it signals a fear about losing your spouse to a possible rival. That worry is often rooted in some sort of insecurity you may have about your self with regards to the thing of your jealousy. Becoming envious of who your spouse communicates with can be an indication of insecurity.

John, the first step to overcoming envy is realize your very own reasons, therefore I want you to take some time for you contemplate how you view yourself—both good qualities and not-so-good qualities.

First think about your greatest characteristics additionally the areas in your lifetime that you are a lot of happy with. On the best time if you decide to describe the a lot of good qualities, what would you state? Sometimes it is a good idea to also ask an in depth pals or relatives the way they see you, too, since they is generally the way to obtain more objective info. Whether or not it helps, try producing a listing.

Next, I want you to consider the insecurities that you have about yourself as well as your life. It may be difficult to look at these precisely, but it’s crucial that you recognize that envy starts 1st with an overly negative self-judgment. This bad view is then when compared to a notion of another who you judge become much better than you somehow. These «better-than/less-than» evaluations result in the many damage to you actually before you start to harm your connections with others.

When envious ideas become envious behaviors relationships are damaged. It could start as a cold-shoulder or dirty looks, but shortly escalates and erupts in bad responses and accusations toward your spouse by herself, despite the reality she’s accomplished nothing wrong. By misjudging your spouse’s connection fidelity or stability, you happen to be accidentally disrespecting their. In healthier connections, both lovers decide to get the help of its mate—it is a choice—and depend on is the connection that helps them to stay together and helps to keep destructive envy from the photo.

The very next time you’re up against a scenario by which envious feelings toward another man beginning to crop up, I want you doing the following:



Jealousy is something you can get over in order to commence to appreciate happier and a lot more personal relationships with females. Keep in mind that while few would argue that nothing is such as the convenience of once you understand our companion «belongs» to us, the reality is that people «belong» to every other—by option. Jealous conduct can also be a selection, but it is certainly control. By firmly taking tips to get over envy in your interactions, you can expect to stop the necessity to control your partner in order to meet yours fear, and you should in addition relieve yourself from the all-consuming clasp of jealousy that controls you.

Write to us how you do.

Dr. Neil Clark Warren